Explosions of a Life

A lot have been going on lately. Too much info and u need to catch up. Like if we don't have a whole fucking boring life for that.
I finished UNI and returned home to reunite with my nice family again but my father was sick. He had another depression. A year before, my father had his first depression. It was so fucking bad that he wanted me to stop school completely and come back home but I was dumb and stubborn and especially I didn't realize he was that sick. I took it personal and started hating him. After I made it clear to him that I would never quit school till I graduate, he took sometime to recover from his depression seeing specialists and taking lots of drugs. But he did recover. He became a new person, very passionate and full of energy he even forgot everything about that depression phase. I continued with my studies hating my father of course cuz one day he asked me to quit school. I even saw a shrink myself; I need to tell u that in between brackets since my younger age I had suicidal tendencies but this subject needs a whole new post; so the shrink told me I should run away and get my own life. BE INDEPENDENT FROM MY FATHER. But what was she thinking, I mean: HELLO! We're in Morocco for God's Sake. Impossible Dr. S. After a year and a half, the depression came back this time more than the first. My father started to have suicidal thoughts. That was the time when I finished UNI and came back home. I took him to a specialist who told us that it did happen cuz right after his recovery he stopped taking medicine cuz he thought it was over; which provoked this impossible and bizarre chemical energy and now that energy has expired he's like dead inside again. He should have continued his treatment even though he thought he was okay. Anyways, my father started taking lots of medicine again; he saw lots of shrinks even traditional ones. I was against that idea that my uncle had of switching shrinks and medicines. Until now, I believe that my uncle had a lot to do with my father's illness. He was always around like his shadow. Always thought he was evil but I was sure the day I had an argument with him about making my father change doctors and drugs every once and a while. He was supporting that idea and taking my father see people who even worsen his case telling him he's so sick he had the brain of a five year old; that he will never recover ever... When that uncle was around my dad I knew he was the devil, that bad voice eating my father's brain. However, when I was with him he was showing a lot of progress and I was happy and proud. I learned to have compassion for my father. I started to love him again. The hate was gone out the window. Even the doctor I was taking him to see regularly was seeing progress. But sadly, other stuff was going on.

I just realized I’ve been absent for about 4 months! What happened during this period? Nothing exiting really or worth writing about! However, I discovered something; I am a cruel person that’s what my parents claim. Why? My grandparents had an accident lately and I didn’t even pick the phone to check on them + I don’t care about my own parents. Why? A lack of time but I do have them in mind. After my mother, almost in tears, hang up with me on the phone, I realized that my excuse is nonsense. A criticism process of my own person began… secluded, anti-social, highly depressive and pessimistic… It seems like all the bad stuff is buried inside of me! When did it all start? Cul-de-sac! I can’t investigate; maybe I am afraid of digging… maybe next time… Inchallah!

couldn't stand the WF stuff. I was in rage. freezin Friday night went out to an ugly ol' pub (good girl.. been absent for 3whole months.. no drinkin). .. 6 shots of tequila I was out. took ma mobile and called him @3:45am. i don't exactly remember the conversation but it lasted for 25min was something like. me (love sick puppy sniffin): i luv uuu! (snif) why u left me? wanna see u! pliiiiiiiz aji pliiiiiiiiiz (snif). him: SAM its u? u drunk o wat? where the hell r u?. me: yaaa am drunk am somewhere its freezin n i luv uuu. him: i luv u 2... bla bla bla. bla bla bla. bla bla bla. that's all I remembered. he said i luv u 2!!! am sure 'bout that or was I daydreamin??? anyways he didn't call back that mornin. I found an sms @5:53am sayin: bonwi queen S. po d betiz stp. on Saturday I stayed home n I hated myself for callin. Sunday still nothin.. like I’ve never called.. maybe it's better this way.. forgotten again

The TV is on, sound is down. I lay on the bed staring at the roof. Smoke cigarettes irritating my sore throat. Memories arise. Tears and laughs. I’m trapped in the past: a blessing or a curse. And I wonder. Can I erase and rewind. Or must I play forward. Life’s nothing but a song played on a secondhand tape recorder. Sad Vs happy, highs Vs lows, screams Vs silence… Starring you, till you loose your voice or the tape recorder’s dead.

Dear Santa,
I want a brand nu brain, a Brain V1.0, instead of ma useless Beta version Brain V0.0
I want a heart transplantation cuz I feel like dyin wid this one
I want a love sick puppy b.f for a wacko g.f
I want a fully loaded gun, no a bazooka will do, to blow ur head n ma head off if I don't get wat I want
Dontcha ever let me down n I ain't jokin Santa!
Peace n see u soon,

This picture is the perfect snapshot for my "heart"

Locked!

key?

                                                            Lost! Somewhere.. someone.. somehow has it!

you?

My life's quite empty. I've no friends, no lover. Only me, myself and I.
Let's talk 'bout LOVE first; a serious issue in my life (source of confusion, state of inferiority and land of weakness ...). 
Actually, I'm "obsessed", for the first time in my whole life, with my ex bf. I really don't know if one can call this love or it's that state when you get used to someone. I have to get him out of my head! He doesn't really give a damn 'bout me! According to the latest news I've heard, he's already found a new "victim". I have to admit, it's always been my fault. Most of my love relationships fail because of me. Geographical distance is mainly present, but this is manageable. One of my ex bfs, who I still have phone contact with, tried to analyze this continuous and extremely weird "echec". He said: "... every time you start falling for someone, you have to quit!”  He's right! but does this mean that I'm afraid of love? but wait, I don’t even believe it exists!

M.